Until the End
by Farah2002
Summary: Everyone was saying the same shit that he can live for 10 to 20 months but no one was saying that he'll make it. That he'll be okay and he'll be able to spend his life like he planned. James had stopped paying attention eventually. AU slash Established Relationship: James/Sirius, Post Hogwarts. T. W : Terminal illness, implied /referenced self harm.


**"Of course I love my otp, but first let me write a story where one of them is trying to chock back tears when the other one is in coma." (Tries to do an evil laugh but ends up crying.)**

"Your health is improving. Congratulations James." said Healer Adam looking at him.

James beamed. He scratched the back of his neck before saying, " Yeah about that, can I, I mean, can I visit my flat?"

"James…" said the Healer reluctantly .

"Just for 24 hours, I promise I'll come back, and I'll even take all the potions." James rushed, "I just want to meet Sirius, I miss him, I know he comes daily but there is no bloody privacy in here. Just for 24 hours please?"

"Only on one condition," said the healer. "if you feel anything off you'll come back immediately."

"Promise." said James with a grin. He could understand Healer's hesitation, he had flat out refused to get any treatment when he had discovered he was ill , saying, 'If I am going to die anyway why should I bear the pain of treatment.'

"Oh and one more question," he asked turning on the doorstep, "Can I shag Sirius during this break?"

The healer burst out laughing, "Yes, you can."

James gave him a thumbs up and went out.

* * *

When James reached the flat, Sirius wasn't there. James had expected that much since Sirius was going on his missions and on James's. And most of the remaining time he spent at hospital with James. James took out his mirror.

"Hi babe." he said as soon as Sirius's face came in view. He looked tired and sleepy. At the hospital, James makes him eat dinner with him, but he was sure other than that he wasn't eating properly.

"James?" asked Sirius, his expression turning into a worried one instead of his James's smile, "Are you okay? Do you need anything? Wait, I'll just.."

James cut him off, "I am fine. Infact I am on a break from all that hospital shit." Seeing the look on Sirius's face, he continued with an eye roll, "And I got permission from the Healer. You just hurry back to the flat and I'll order your favourite food."

"Okay. Just give me fifteen minutes." He was about to put his mirror back when James stopped him.

"I love you, Padfoot." he said with a smile.

Now Sirius gave him his James's smile, "I love you more."

James put the mirror back and starting looking at the flat. He sighed at it's condition. He had already ordered the food. He went to the main bedroom where the sheets were the same as they were one month ago when James had left except more messy. The whole flat was a mess. James started muttering some cleaning charms before going to the kitchen and setting out the table. When he looked up at the wall to see the time, the clock wasn't there. He frowned and checked other clocks in the house, there were none. In addition to clocks, the calender and the newspapers were also missing. James sighed again.

* * *

It had all started about two months ago when James had fainted during a mission. At that time he had brushed it off. Maybe he got hit with a curse and didn't realize it. But it happened again one week later when he was in the kitchen making breakfast for Sirius. This time he couldn't ignore it. He had woken up in the hospital with his parents looking older than he had ever seen them. Sirius was standing in a corner and his eyes looked red. Remus, Peter and Lily were standing outside the room.

"James!" his mother sobbed when he opened his eyes. His father helped him to sit a little comfortably.

"What..Mum, dad what happened?" asked James.

"James." his mother sobbed again coming forward and resting her hand on James's shoulder.

"Why are you crying mum? It's not like I am dying." James tried to comfort her. That didn't go well because now she was crying hysterically. His father came to stand on his other side.

He swallowed before asking, "Am I?" he directed his question towards Sirius who was still learning against the wall. His eyes looked red rimmed and his nose, cheeks and ears had turned pink. Crying usually had that effect on him. For some time his hazel eyes remained connected with his gray eyes, and nothing else in the world mattered. But then, at his question, Sirius's expression turned somehow more miserable. He looked away from him.

"Dad," he asked his father, "Am I dying?"

His father let out a sob before answering, "Son, the healers say about 10 to 15 months but they are looking…"

James couldn't really listen anymore. He wanted to break down, cry and scream to match the wailing in his head, but his body was unresponsive. His eyes again connected with Sirius, and this time he couldn't look away.

* * *

Being one of the richest families of the wizarding world, his father had sent his reports to all the big hospitals of the Britain. He was even taken to Australia, then France, then America. But everyone was saying the same shit that he can live for 10 to 20 months but no one fucking saying that he'll make it. That he'll be okay and he'll be able to spend his life like he planned.

"If we start the treatment now, he can live for two years blah blah blah."

James hadn't paid much attention to what the healer was saying. His parents were talking. He stood and started walking down the corridor, where he could hear someone screaming. He stopped outside a room where a girl not much older than him was screaming and crying in pain.

"Stop this please. Stop this." Two healers were trying to calm her down but she was kicking her legs and hands frantically, "Mum Mum please kill me, I can't take it anymore, please Mum."

Her mother looked so miserable that James couldn't look directly at her. He felt his eyes prickling. And went back towards the Healer's office.

* * *

"I am not going to any hospital." he had declared in his parents' house. His parents looking tired and old. Sirius looking angry and helpless. "If I have got such little time left then I am not going to spend it getting locked up in a hospital."

"James, honey don't be like this." his mother tried to change his mind. "Please."

"I am not going and that's final." He said. And he hated the fact that he was sounding like a five years old throwing a fit. He went to his old room and slammed the door. Ignoring his mother's crying, his father comforting her and Sirius calling after him.

* * *

"James look mate.. " Remus started but James cut him off.

"If you are here to change my mind, then shut up."

"James, if you don't get treatment, then you'll die, but if you get to the hospital there is 35% chance you'll survive. The research shows the five-year survival rate is 20%. I am sure you'll..." Lily tried to convince him.

"Survive? How long? 1 year? 2 year? After that what? And what if I don't live after the treatment, then what? I am not going to waste my time in that prison."

"James they are saying they are working for better cure. Maybe after two years you'll be as healthy as ever. You've got to take the risk mate." said Remus. James huffed.

"Lycanthropy is incurable, but you found a way to help Remus, didn't you? I am sure we can find something for you too." said Lily.

"Think about your parents mate. They are already old. And what about Sirius. You know how much he... "

James cut him off angrily, shouting at him, " I know, I fucking KNOW how old they are or how much Sirius DEPENDS on me, just fucking leave me alone. I don't want to talk."

"But James."

"I said leave me alone Evans." she shared a look with Remus before leaving the room. Remus soon followed her. Only Peter was left in the room with James. Sirius had left early muttering something about Mum and Dad.

James turned to look outside the window. Peter was still silent. After a few moments, James asked Peter, forcing a smile on his face.

"Not so lucky now, hun Wormtail?" he remembered the other boy being wax poetic after James had won the final Quidditch match at school and finally managed to get his shit together and ask Sirius out.

Peter looked up at his nickname, he looked a little tired and worried but put a smile on his face for James's sake.

"You are still pretty lucky. At least you have time, maybe there is a woman in the emergency room begging for just a little more time to bring a new life in this world, or a father somewhere on the road trying to see his children for the last time after protecting them from a horrible death, or maybe there are children who were planning to buy a new toy but got killed in their sleep this morning. There are parents in your own house who are willing to pay any price just to change their son's fate. And your own boyfriend who is visiting every best healer in this world to get a little more time with you. So yeah, I guess you are still lucky."

He left the room without looking back. James looked outside the window again, but his eyes were not focused on anything because of the tears flowing down his face.

* * *

After three days of refusing to come out if his room, Sirius came to convince him.

"What do you want to do?" he asked, sitting on too small bed with him. His shoulder brushing against his. He lookedike the time when he had came to his house at midnight, after running away from his family, angry, scared, helpless and hopeless.

"What?" James turned to look at him. The only source of light in the room was the moonlight coming from the window. Otherwise the room was completely dark and still.

"You said you didn't want to waste your," he swallowed audibly before saying " your remaining time locked up in a hospital. So what do you want to do then?"

"I don't know." James said lamely. Sirius sharp intake of breath and a curt nod was the all response he got.  
"I'll kill myself." said Sirius looking at the wall instead of him.

"What?" asked James looking at Sirius's face which was half lit in the moonlight. Sirius had promised on James's life he wouldn't do anything like that again.

"That's what you said when I tried to kill myself." he said still looking at the wall where a shadow of a butterfly sitting on the window pane was formed now. "You said you'll kill yourself and then you'll ask me how that felt."

"I said that to stop you." he said still looking desperately at Sirius's face to take a hint where this conversation was going.

"But you are doing it now." said Sirius, his voice trembling, he turned to look at him. Their eyes connected. Sirius continued, "You said a person doesn't die when his soul leaves his body but he does when he sees his loved ones die in front of him."

James remembered saying that. Remembers the feeling of death in the air when he had opened the bathroom door and found Sirius unconscious in the bathtub filled with blood. He remembered thinking this was how it felt like dying inside.

"That was the first time you told me that you loved me and you," Sirius continued, trying to blink back tears, " you said you would never ever hurt me."

"I know, Si, I..." James tried to say taking Sirius's hand in his. If there was one thing that James could not handle then that was Sirius crying. His own eyes getting wet. He would do anything to make things better. Anything.

"But you are doing it now." said Sirius, now with tears in his eyes, " James, you are hurting me," he let out a strangled sob, "please don't leave me before you have to. Please James."

"Okay…Okay I'll go. I am sorry. I'll go." he said pulling Sirius in a hug. He still couldn't help but think he wouldn't be there to comfort Sirius for long. "I love you." he said against Sirius's shoulder. "and I'll always love you, even if I die," he felt Sirius's arms tighten around him,"I'll still love you."

* * *

He had gone to the hospital the next day, he had also apologized to his parents, and to his friends. They had forgiven him, obviously but he still couldn't help but feel guilty for being such a prick and making them suffer. They all came to visit him almost daily. But with the war raging on, he felt useless being in the hospital. He had mentioned that to Remus when he got some time alone with him,

"James you are not being useless. You are being treated. You make it sound like you are out on a picnic while we are fighting for the innocent lives." James chuckled softly at that.

"Where's Evans?" asked James.

"She is with Sirius probably showing off her new boots. I can't believe how much she spends on footwear." said Remus clearly humouring him.

"I guess the M word is still banned to say around you?" teased James. The last time Sirius had suggested Remus to get married, the poor guy had choked on his own tea. If Peter hadn't been there to pet / slap him on his back, then James was pretty sure there would be no Remus here to comfort him.

"Oh shut up." said Remus when though he was blushing.

* * *

James came out of his thoughts hearing a familiar and warm voice.

"Honey I am home." shouted Sirius slamming the door open.

"Watch the plaster." said James from the kitchen counter on which he was sitting.

He heard Sirius laugh. After a few moments Sirius entered the kitchen with his James's smile and a flower in his hand. He gave the flower to James.

"Thank you." said James pulling Sirius in for a kiss. He wrapped his arms around his waist.

"Want to take a shower with me?" asked Sirius when he pulled back.

"I already took a shower." said James with a smile, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear, "but I suppose I could do with another."

"You are the best." said Sirius bending down again to kiss him. The usual end of his sentence, 'what would I do without you' remained unsaid for now.

* * *

Later, after the shower and the meal, they went to sit in the lounge. James was lying on the couch and Sirius was sitting on the floor beside it. James was running his hand through Sirius's hair as he watched Sirius changing the channels on the telly continuously.

"The flat was a mess, Pads, you really need to learn some cleaning spells." said James looking towards the telly.

"What can I say I don't know how to live without you. "Sirius said in a soft voice. James swallowed audibly.

"Si?" said James. Sirius made a questioning noise tilting his head to look at him directly in the eyes. "what did you do with the clocks?"

Sirius looked at him for a few moments before turning his head slightly to turn off the telly. His cheeks turned a little pink. He slightly scratched the back of his neck before replying, "I may have thrown them away."

James chuckled as he was supposed to and pulled Sirius up so he could lay on top of him. Sirius tucked his face in the crook of his neck.

"Why, love? James asked gently running his fingers through Sirius's soft hair. Of course he knew why Sirius had done that but they needed to talk about it and they didn't have time to procrastinate.

"It just, " He avoided looking at James as he said, "it just reminded me of how much time we have left."

"Si... " James said a little helplessly.

"I know it's childish, I just don't want to think or talk about it," he looked directly into James's eyes, " Please?"

"But Si if we don't talk now what are you gonna...?" he trailed off.

"James nothing is going to happen to you, we'll talk when you come back home after your complete treatment." said Sirius looking sure. James made a little protesting noise, Sirius continued, "And if, if something happens then it's not like I am immortal." Sirius gave him a small smile which James couldn't return. "Stop being a pessimist dear, you know that's my job." At that James let out a small chuckle.

Sirius grabbed his chin and pulled him in a kiss, "I love you. And I am going to love you till the end of my days."

"I love you more." said James kissing him again. At least they have time now.


End file.
